The Fat Girl Inside

As I opened the refrigerator for the twelfth time last night and polished off a bag of chocolate covered peanuts, I thought to myself, why? Why at 2 am do I feel the need to eat chocolate covered peanuts, let alone anything for that matter? And the answer is something I have been fighting with for the past few weeks...my reflection.

Every time I look in the mirror I see the same person I used to be...fat, broken and unsatisfied. And I am still "fixing" that reflection I see the same way I did in the past.

I know that losing 56 pounds is nothing to sneeze at, but I don't feel like I look any different. My clothes size has changed and when I look at pictures I see a difference, but I feel the same! People I haven't seen tell me I look great, but why can I not come to terms that I do look good?

Simply put, its because of the fat girl inside. She wont die! And I don't know how to kill her! I try to shut her up with carrot sticks but somehow they become smothered in chocolate! And her eyes! I just want to claw them out! Her vision is causing me to lose sight of where I've come from and how well I've done.

To be honest I think I am scared to embrace the skinny girl in me. I cant even imagine myself weighing any less than I do now, and I am scared to get there and be too skinny! To be too ugly and not perfect enough. And to make things worse, when people ask me my final goal and I say another 40 pounds or so, they say; "No! That's too skinny!" What the heck!? I just don't get it! It pisses me off so bad I just don't know what to do.

Dear Fat Girl Inside of me;
You must leave. You have no choice.
I cannot live with you any longer.
You make me miserable.
You are not welcome here any more.
Pack your lies and your imperfections
and GO!

Take your fear and brokenness too.

And don't forget that image
of the past.
Take your things and leave the keys.
My heart belongs to me and my
new friend just arrived.

Skinny girl welcome to my heart.
Treat it with respect so we'll never
have to part.
Hang your truths in my closet

and post your positive self image

on the shelf.
Dust the cob webs from my
happy thoughts.
Dear Skinny Girl Inside of me.
We will be close friends.
Just leave the chocolate at the door.