The Fat Girl Inside

As I opened the refrigerator for the twelfth time last night and polished off a bag of chocolate covered peanuts, I thought to myself, why? Why at 2 am do I feel the need to eat chocolate covered peanuts, let alone anything for that matter? And the answer is something I have been fighting with for the past few weeks...my reflection.

Every time I look in the mirror I see the same person I used to be...fat, broken and unsatisfied. And I am still "fixing" that reflection I see the same way I did in the past.

I know that losing 56 pounds is nothing to sneeze at, but I don't feel like I look any different. My clothes size has changed and when I look at pictures I see a difference, but I feel the same! People I haven't seen tell me I look great, but why can I not come to terms that I do look good?

Simply put, its because of the fat girl inside. She wont die! And I don't know how to kill her! I try to shut her up with carrot sticks but somehow they become smothered in chocolate! And her eyes! I just want to claw them out! Her vision is causing me to lose sight of where I've come from and how well I've done.

To be honest I think I am scared to embrace the skinny girl in me. I cant even imagine myself weighing any less than I do now, and I am scared to get there and be too skinny! To be too ugly and not perfect enough. And to make things worse, when people ask me my final goal and I say another 40 pounds or so, they say; "No! That's too skinny!" What the heck!? I just don't get it! It pisses me off so bad I just don't know what to do.

Dear Fat Girl Inside of me;
You must leave. You have no choice.
I cannot live with you any longer.
You make me miserable.
You are not welcome here any more.
Pack your lies and your imperfections
and GO!

Take your fear and brokenness too.

And don't forget that image
of the past.
Take your things and leave the keys.
My heart belongs to me and my
new friend just arrived.

Skinny girl welcome to my heart.
Treat it with respect so we'll never
have to part.
Hang your truths in my closet

and post your positive self image

on the shelf.
Dust the cob webs from my
happy thoughts.
Dear Skinny Girl Inside of me.
We will be close friends.
Just leave the chocolate at the door.

A Weekly Dose of Weight Watchers

"I can eat this thank you very much!" It is a statement that I find myself making more often then not. Expecially when I am around people who know that I am on Weight Watchers, but yet do not fully understand the concept behind the program.

This weeks meeting was about eating foods you love and not depriving yourself. I do not have a problem with that! What I do have a problem with is calculating the points into the day without going over my limit. Which is something I can strive to achieve this week and in the weeks to come.

At weigh-in today I was down 2.2lbs! I was excited. I have only 3.8lbs until I reach my next goal of 60lbs lost. I cannot wait! I am excited for my new pair of running shoes (which I still need to research!).

Here are my updated stats for the week....

Starting weight: 276.4
Current weight: 220.2
Loss to date: 56.2

In our weekly WW booklet they had a recipe for "Oven-fried Paprika Chicken Cutlets", and I made them tonight. They turned out great, and were rather enjoyable!

1/2 cup plain fat-free yogurt

1 tbsp sweet paprika, divided

15 saltine crackers (I used a little more)

1 tsp salt

1/4 tsp freshly ground black pepper

1 lb uncooked boneless, skinless chicken breast (four 4oz thin pieces)

1 tbsp chopped fresh parsley

1/2 medium lemon, cut into 4 wedges

Preheat broiler and coat a baking sheet with cooking spray.

Place yogurt and 1 teaspoon of paprika in a small shallow bowl; mix to combine. Combine cracker crumbs, salt, pepper and remaining 2 teaspoons of paprika on a large shallow pie plate; stir to combine. Place each chicken cutlet in yogurt mixture and turn to coat. Next, place chicken in crumb mixture, turning to coat both sides and pressing lightly to make crumbs stick.

Place coated chicken on prepared baking sheet and lightly spray with cooking spray. Broil 3 to 4 inches from heat source until golden brown and cooked through, flipping once, about 4 to 5 minutes per side. To serve, sprinkle with parsley and garnish with lemon wedges.

New Goals for me to obtain!!

I have a two new goals that I have set for myself, and I have set dates that I would like to achieve them by as well as rewards for when I do reach them!

My first goal is to be under 200 pounds before my 23rd birthday (November 20, 2010). I have 13 weeks (91 days or 3 months) to achieve this goal. Which is about 1.8 pounds a week to lose.

If I stay on plan by continuing to count my points and making smarter choices I will continue to see losses each week at the scale.

Not only by this date will I be under 200 pounds, but I will have lost 75 pounds since the beginning of my weight loss journey! This will be a huge milestone in my life in so many ways. So I must keep my head held high and my points down low, and I will accomplish this goal!

Secondly my next goal is to run the Oswego Hobbler Gobbler on November 13th. It is a 10k marathon (or 6.2 miles). It is 12 weeks away and my goal is to complete it in under an hour and a half.

If I add a 1/2 mile each week to my three times a week run, I should be able to run seven miles by that date. Also, I would like to add cross training once or twice a week by swimming or joining a dance class.

I have also set up some rewards for myself along the way, just to keep me motivated. I have ;6 poundsd before I reach my next goal of 60 pounds. And when I reach that goal, I plan non purchasing a fantasic pair of running shoes and support souls (to help me train of course).

When I reach my goal of 75 pounds lost (only 21 pounds away), because it's around my birthday and because I will be under 200 pounds, I am going to have a spa day. Including a message, pedicure and manicure. Maybe I can find a day spa and spend the whole day there!! :)

I have not really figured out a reward for finishing the 10k in under 1 & 1/2 hours. I think maybe it's a reward in and of itself...what do you think?

You Are Beautiful!

Just felt like we could all use a little reminder that we are beautiful!

Beautiful Woman

Beautiful woman,

come out and play,
reveal your inner treasures.

The sparkle in your eyes,
the natural swing in your walk,
you radiate excitement and enthusiasm.

You need no latest fashion,
No expensive hair cuts,
No blinding big accessories.

You glow in your passions,
passionate in your pursuits,
you know what you are made of.

You are not easily bothered,
by the mindless opinions of others,
you know very well where you want to go.

you are a joy to watch,
an inspiration to others,
your pure soul an endless marvel.

Beautiful woman,
let your brilliance shine through,
your eyes speak of true inner beauty.
Copyright © 2007 Fion Lim. All rights reserved.

When you feel ugly, remember...


Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

I've never seen a smiling face that was not beautiful. ~Author Unknown

Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart. ~Kahlil Gibran

That which is striking and beautiful is not always good, but that which is good is always beautiful. ~Ninon de L'Enclos

Beauty comes as much from the mind as from the eye. ~Grey Livingston

Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it. ~Confucius

A woman who cannot be ugly is not beautiful. ~Karl Kraus

You don't love a woman because she is beautiful, she is beautiful because you love her. ~Author Unknown

You can take no credit for beauty at sixteen. But if you are beautiful at sixty, it will be your soul's own doing. ~Marie Stopes

Beauty?... To me it is a word without sense because I do not know where its meaning comes from nor where it leads to. ~Pablo Picasso

Taking joy in living is a woman's best cosmetic. ~Rosalind Russell

These video's are worthing looking at!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ei6JvK0W60I

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ytjTNX9cg0&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fULtU2NfPQA

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I9oT5AuAP2I

Aunt Flo

****PLEASE NOTE THIS IS PROBABLY ONLY GOOD TO READ IF YOU'RE A GIRL!*****


This week Aunt Flo decided to pop in for a surprise visit! (And when I say surprise, I mean shouldnt have been here for another 3 weeks at least!) Why is that when you start to lose weight or workout everything in your body starts to change?!!! Please tell me, because I have been regularly irregular for my entire "life".

I mean my cramps are worse then they have ever been (and I have been layed up in bed and vomiting before) and I have been heavier then normal (I'm talking Niagra Falls). Does any of this make sense?!

So tonight I went to the movies and I had a terrible craving....I'm talking large popcorn, a box of goobers, a box of snow caps, sweet tarts and a carmello candy bar! And I feel so icky now that its terrible!

Anyone know of a rhyme or reason behind this all!?!

PLEASE HELP!

5k and 10k Race Days!

Okay...I do not normally run. But I have been running a mile at the gym on a pretty regular basis. And I have recently had the bright idea to sign up for a 5k AND a 10k race in November!!

I'm pretty excited, but a little nervous because I have no idea how to train for these events! They are not until November so I have some time to prepare, but I would love some feedback on how to train!

The first race is the 10k Hobbler Gobbler on November 13 in Oswego, IL. And the second race is the 5k Turkey Trot on November 25 in Naperville, IL.

Let me know what ya'll do to prepare!

Instant Gratification?

We live in a world full of the here and now; a world of instant gratification.We have instant oatmeal made in our instant microwaves. We have 24 hour drive-through fast food chains, drive-through coffee, and even drive-through dry cleaners! If we cannot have it "right now" we are not satisfied. We have even come so far as to want instant relationships, whether it be a friend or a significant other. But unfortunately that is not the reality of things. It takes work, everything takes work. And in my opinion the more work it takes, the more gratifying the out come.

Now here comes the part we all do not want to hear....weight-loss is NOT an instant, over-night thing! Weight-loss takes WORK and DEDICATION! We did not gain our unwanted pounds over-night. So therefore we cannot expect to LOSE those unwanted pounds over-night.

Unfortunately our views are tainted by the world we live in, and we honestly expect instant results; whether it be from a pill, a diet or a surgery. I will be the first to admit that I have been there too. I have expected to wake up one morning and be thin. I have even gone as far as praying that God would instantly make me drop 50 pounds! It just does not work that way.

Just like with learning a new language or mastering a skill, weight-loss takes work, dedication and PRACTICE! We cannot expect to be perfect right away at controlling our eating binges when it's something we have struggled with our whole lives. We cannot expect to have a grip on our trigger foods right away when we have tripped over them a thousand and one times. No, we have to get back up, dust ourselves off, and move on.

A very dear friend and mentor always says, "Hit the delete button and move on". It's true, erase it and get past it. If we continue to hold on to our mistakes, we will continue to fail. But because we expect to fail, not because we are destined to fail. We have become so consumed in the here and now that we cannot look past our mistakes, we cannot learn from our mess-up's. But its when we do, and only then, can we finally achieve our ultimate goals, no matter what they be.

So stop looking at each mistake as a failure, but look at it as an opportunity to grow. As something to help you along the journey you are on. Because whether it's negative or positive, how you react determines the ultimate outcome.

Half Way There!

Its hard to believe some days that it has been 6 months since I started my weight loss journey, but other days it feels like it just drags on and on! :) But all in all it has been an awesome experience, and I am so thrilled about how far I have come!

I am seriously so excited that in 6 months time I have been able to commit to this journey and lose this much weight! I feel like it just fell off! I hope that in the next 6 months as I continue down this path that losing the other half of my goal will feel this easy!

I am so proud of myself too. And I should be! I have done so much and it has made a huge difference in my life. Not only to I look healthier, but I feel healthier too. I have participated in a 5k marathon for the first time. I have joined a gym and can run a mile without stopping. And I have gained confidence in myself! Hot-dang, I'm doing GREAT!!!

Today at weigh-in I stepped on the scale a little nervous. I had not done so well over the weekend, because I chose not to do well. I had pizza (many slices) and a huge banana split on Saturday, and a whole pound of turkey sloppy joes and smores on Sunday!! So by Sunday night I felt so disgusting and bloated it wasnt funny, that Monday I decided to take an exlax, but nothing happened! :/

Well the scale read: 224.2!
Mean that I was down 2.8 pounds from last week!
I was soooo happy that I could have screamed and jumped out of my skin. But, I have come so far and I feel great. I am excited for the next few months. :)

Week 1 - 276.4lbs

Week 26 - 224.2lbs