Thoughts

I'm mad. I'm angry. I'm disappointed. I'm hurt. I'm sad. I'm frustrated. I'm upset. I'm confused. I'm irritated. I'm grossed out. I'm overwhelmed. "At who?” is what I'm sure you're wondering. At myself; att me, at my stinking thinking and my actions; or lack there of.

Since just before Halloween I have gone back to my old eating habits and my old ways of thinking. Only its gotten worse since the New Year. I eat non-stop for no reason, and I get mad at myself, say I'll do better tomorrow or next week, but I don’t! I have continued on this constant binge of food for nearly three months now. And just as before I am denying I have a problem to everyone who wants to help. I tell them, "I'm fine", "I can eat this", etc. Knowing that I am not fine and I shouldn’t eat my fourth bowl of ice cream!
I don't want to go back to where I was. I don’t want to feel how I felt. And I certainly don’t want to look how I looked last year. But unless I get my act together that's exactly what where I'll end up! And at this rate it could come faster than I think!

I'll tell you what though; I don't feel like I can do this. I feel weak and broken. I, honestly, don't feel beautiful anymore! I feel the way I did 12 months ago. And when I look in the mirror I see the same'ol girl lost in the pain of her past; choosing to eat away the problem. I see someone who cannot control her urges.
In the morning I'm actually going to go to weigh-in. I'm nervous as all get out. I do not really care to see how much weight I have gained. But I suppose that is a step in the right direction. I have already gained 6 pounds (plus the 4 I've lost again) since I got off track and its been two weeks since my last weigh-in; so I'm scared to see those numbers.

And on top of all this, I'm not allowed to do any physical activity! I messed up my hip back in October and haven’t been able to recover. So I went to my doctor, who referred me to the orthopedic doctor, who sent me to physical therapy. It had been two weeks and it wasn’t getting any better so I demanded an MRI, and that showed that I have a Labral Tear in my left hip. And today I had 4 different injections (talk about pain) to see if I will need surgery. SURGERY! That doesn’t help the situation with food either. I'm an emotional eater and I'm mad that I can’t run, let alone do the Chicago Marathon like I wanted!

I'm just a ball of emotions and I'm at a loss of what to do. I'm hoping that things will turn around real soon.